Sometimes doing the right thing sucks!

There are a lot of people in this world that I look up to: Nelson Mandela, Mother Theresa, and Ghandi – I can go on for hours. What I admire so much about them is their selflessness and their attempts to bring about positive change within society. True heroes I tell you. Since I can remember, I have dreamt of also being one of the ‘greates’, a selfless individual who will change society and be remembered forever.

With that idea in my head I entered the world as a young adult, ready to save the world from itself. That is why I started studying Psychology, and it is also the reason why I decided to work with children. Children are innocent and mouldable. If you can intervene in childhood, you may have the opportunity to change the outcome of that child’s life, and ultimately THE WORLD.

It all seems so simple. Study, get your degree, and go change the world! No. I do not know how my above mentioned heroes did it to be honest. This whole sacrifice yourself to save the world thing is not very enjoyable, because you quickly realize that you ACTUALLY have to sacrifice a lot and put all your own needs aside in order to try and help others fulfil their needs. On top of that, people usually take it for granted. So you are left alone out in the cold when you are done with your good deeds for the day. Everyone goes off and enjoys themselves, while you stagger home, drained with no energy left for yourself.

This is kind of how the past year and a half has been for me. I decided that I am now educated and old enough to go out into the world and make a difference. I am ready to serve those in need. I was ready to serve the world, heck; I offered my entire life and dreams to the world on a silver platter.

 

 

Obviously this was a big decision and I felt very anxious about it. I started to work at various places, where I did all kinds of therapy with children. Every day. At first I felt like I am living the dream, saving the world, making a difference!!!!!!

 

 

It did not even matter that I do not really like children that much, because they liked me and everything just seemed to fall into place. The first week of work was just so awesome that you float though every day and see butterflies and flowers everywhere, because LIFE IS GREAT!
 

 

In psychology we learned that there are different phases of a relationship. The first phase is called the ‘honeymoon phase’, not because you go on honeymoon, but because it is a period in the relationship where you can’t believe everything is just so perfect! The grass seems greener, birds chirp everywhere you go and it feels like the world is one big happy round ball of joy. Now, I am going to be psychology llama here for a while and apply the different stages of a relationship on my experiences at work.

Like I said, first week I felt invincible and awesome – honeymoon phase. Now, as we all know, a phase is called a phase because it is something you go through, which means at some point it ends. You move to another phase, leaving an old phase behind. Next phase of relationships: the disillusion phase. Yep, you look at your partner one day while he is picking his nose and you are like WTF? Furthermore, you start to realise that he/she is not that perfect. You find out stuff that is not so dreamy and nice, like your partner farting, or his/her inability to understand your obviously clear point in an argument.

Same happened at work. Unfortunately my work honeymoon phase was short lived, by week two, I was already seeing question marks and WTF signs in my mind.
 

Working with kids is rough, they are all over you the entire time (personal space is one of those non-existent things), they want your FULL attention ALL the time and the only way that they feel you are giving them attention is if you play with them and listen to their stories about random things that you don’t care about. At all.

I am a good person who likes to have fun and listen to others. But running around in my office on my hands and knees for an hour while talking dog language is not what I perceive as fun. Especially if it was your last hope of getting information out of a child so that you can help them, and then when you are done you achieved nothing.

The levels of energy children possess at random times left me baffled at my desk thinking WTF after a group session. I will have five kids in my office to assist them with some of the school work they are struggling with. I will then walk about and help every one where needed.

Next moment….

 

Kid 1: “Let’s wrestle teacher!!!!!!”

Other kids: “YAAAAAAAAHHHHHH”

Me: “No, we have to work”

Kid 2: “But why, we want to play with you”

Me: “I can’t play now because I have to make sure you do your work”

Other kids: “AAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW……”

Me: “Fine, I tell you what, when we are done, you can play with the board games you guys like so much”

Issue sorted out, you turn around and either accidentally step on a kid’s work/hand or pencils, or you stumble. Regardless what triggered the idea of “teacher wants to play” in the kid’s heads, you soon find yourself on the ground in a serious wrestling match with 5 kids, and you are losing like in the old days.

 

So after several disillusionment phase encounters I realised that I have to do something otherwise I am not going to survive this shit. I consider throwing in the towel because all of a sudden the grass isn’t green anymore and the birds are not chirping because they all died from a bird flu epidemic. It will be sooooooo much easier to just quit and go do something that I am good at that does not involve children.

 

Unfortunately I usually end up in a serious conversation with my conscience at this point:

 

Me: “I am so tired, I just want to sleep, I don’t feel like I can do this anymore”

 

Conscience: “Do you think Mandela gave up when he spent all those years in PRISON?! You will never be like him; you will never change the world. You are a loser! Mandela survived prison and you can’t even handle a couple of kids?! You weakling!”

Me: “I am such a bad, selfish person”

Conscience: “Yes. Yes you are, and bad people do not deserve good things in life”

Me: “But I want good things in life”

Conscience: “Do you expect the world to hand out happiness to you when you sit on your ass and allow innocent children to be subjected to bad worldly influences that will cause them to become troubled teenagers and then troubled adults who have children and then mess their children up????!!!!!!”

Me: “No….I want the children to be happy…..”

 

So I lose the fight and decide to stay on and make this work!
 

The first thing I decide is that if I am going to survive in the child jungle I need to be dressed right for it. Goodbye high heels, pretty shoes, lovely dresses and beautiful shirts. Goodbye loose hair and make up every day. It was sad. But I will not be a weakling, I will make this work. If I have to jump on a trampoline or pretend I am a worm and roll around on the grass in order to save the world, I will do it. If children throw me with dirt, hit me, scream at me, spill food and stuff all over me or wrestle with me on the ground, I am prepared to deal with it for the greater good.

 

So I went shopping for childproof clothes

Unfortunately our solutions to our problems do not always turn out the way we hoped.

 

 

Now, on top of being selfless and having to deal with all the random things kids do every day, I now felt ugly. Ugly, fat, unlovable and disgusting.

 

But, I am doing this for the children so that I can make a difference in the world. So I kept going.

 

 

I took obstacles in my stride; I did not let anything get me down

 

 

Despite my fake enthusiasm and my mindset to ‘make this shit work’, I reached a level of apathy regarding work that I have not experienced before in my life. I became robot llama.

 

Wake up in the morning, tired.

Drive to work in traffic, basically still sleeping

Make cup of coffee at work. Coffee = only good thing about work

Sit, drink coffee and wait. It’s like waiting for a hurricane to hit your house – n.o.t fun

First client/group of children arrive for day

Put on fake smile and greet parents

Work with child

Child does not want to work or talk

Tantrum

I turn into deaf llama who can’t hear and therefore can’t respond to tantrums

I count the minutes to my break

Break. Make coffee. Coffee = only thing that is going to get me through this day

Sit on couch and stare aimlessly at other couch while feeling dead inside

After break = drag body back to work again

Robot llama counsels children/plays with children/is showing fake enthusiasm

I count down the minutes till I go home

Minutes becomes HOOOOUUUURRRRRSSSS

Parents are late

Apathy

Finally time to go home

Drag drained body to car

Drive home in fucking traffic

Once home, I wonder how the hell I got there because I can’t remember driving past certain landmarks like petrol stations and robots.

Sit in car, too tired to climb out

Climb out, crawl up the 20 stairs to my apartment

Open fridge – nothing to eat

Fall down on couch and just lie there

Then I either go and give dance classes for 3 hours, or I just lie there for the rest of the night

9pm, so tired I can’t see

9:15pm fast asleep

Repeat

 

Now why did I keep on doing this to myself?

 

 

Robot llama was not a good place to be in; you can only be apathetic up until a point.

One day, out of the blue, some or other invisible line in my mind was crossed

 

 

That was it. I could not do it anymore. FUCK serving the world and sacrificing myself for the greater good. That shit is overrated. I hate what I am doing, therefore I am not giving it my all, and therefore I am not making a real impact on the world.

So I phoned a friend, and cried hysterically for more than an hour. I had to talk to someone who can help me escape the vicious arguments I had with my conscience. I couldn’t fight my conscience alone anymore. Luckily my friend trashed my conscience and all its arguments regarding what is right. In a nutshell it went like this

 

Conscience: She can’t give up, the world needs her

Fearless B: Is she happy?

Conscience: No

Fearless B: Can unhappy people save the world?

Conscience: No

Fearless B: So she is technically not saving the world?

Conscience: No

Fearless B: Then WHY the FUCK are you making her do this?!

Conscience: Because we want to save the world

Fearless B: Only Jesus can save the world

Conscience: (Facepalm)

Fearless B: That’s what I thought

Conscience: (No response)

Fearless B: She can’t save the world, but she can make a positive contribution

Conscience: But how? Anything else is selfish

Fearless B: Being selfish makes her happy, and happy people can help the world

Conscience: You win

 

And so I quit my job, applied for another course at University, and completely revamped (it feels to me) my life. I still work with kids 2 days a week, but that is manageable. Other than that, I earn my income through pole dancing classes at the studio I work at.

The ironic thing? I am earning roughly the same amount per hour I give pole class, as I earned in a day at my old job. Ridiculous.

Anyway, I decided I will contribute to humanity by becoming a researcher. I will research shit, write about it, publish it and so help other people who are working with children to improve their skills and knowledge. I will also one day lecture undergrads with the same hopes and dreams I had. But, I will be awesome and cultivate a love of psychology in their hearts. Then I will send them out into the world with knowledge and skills, so that they can save the children.

Full proof plan to save the world: check