An army of hypnotized zombie chickens

I am allergic to almost anything with fur or wool, they make me itch, sneeze and my entire body gets covered in a stupid allergy rash. The only animal I can literally roll around with and have NO allergic reaction to what so ever are birds. That is why I love them so much. I had a pet budgie for 13 years, and he entertained me for hours at end. I absolutely LOVE feeding birds. Every now and then I will take old bread and fruit and put it on my lawn. Then I wait. I can sit for countless hours watching the birds come and go, eating and fighting over the food.

But there is one bird in particular that’s one of my favourites, a chicken. Why? Because they look so dumb. That is the only reason. To me it looks like there is nothing going on in their heads. Everything they do, how they walk, how they eat, ANYTHING, looks so stupid I can die (in a good way). Unfortunately this amuses the crap out of me. I love chickens because they look dumb.

When I was 11 years old my mom and dad decided that it was time for their little girl to spread her wings and embark on her first sleepover. My friend lived on a farm. One of the perks was that they have chickens, and I LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEE chickens. So initially we had a blast trying to catch the chickens. When we finally did, my friend shared the most sacred secret with me that changed my mini life forever: how to hypnotise a chicken.

I was thrilled out of my mind. Not only did I absolutely go gaga when I saw a chicken, but now I will have the power to hypnotise them. So I was already dreaming about how I will have a million pet chickens and how I would hypnotise them all so that I can have hypnotized chicken zombies at my command.

We sat down with the poor chicken we captured, and it was time for my friend to share her secret with me. I was so excited that I could crawl out of my own skin. So this is pretty much how it went down.

Step 1: Catch a chicken
Step 2: Hold the chicken down on the ground
Step 3: Take your index finger and slowly start tracing down the chickens crown, over the beak until you reach the ground, then basically you continue to trace a line around the chicken, until you have completed a whole 360 degrees.
Step 4: Slowly let go of the chicken

And the miracle????? The chicken just lies there, without moving. You know why? BECAUSE WE HYPNOTIZED IT THAT’S WHY! We were master chicken hypnotists. We could take over the world with an army of hypnotized zombie chickens if we wanted to. We had power.

I thought it would be cool to provide a lame ass diagram of ‘how to hypnotise a chicken’, just so you can all share the picture that I have in my head. I am better at drawing on a piece of paper than doing drawings on a computer. So I promise that soon I will start adding pictures to my posts. But for now the picture of a chicken I stole of the internet, which I edited in Microsoft paint must do. As you can clearly see, it seems like a 5 year old child tried to draw a circle around the chicken. But I will confess, I am the one who can’t draw a proper circle with my mouse.

Anyway, we spent the rest of the afternoon hypnotizing every chicken we could lay our dirty little hands on. I had so much fun it felt like I was in chicken heaven. We were so good that we managed to hypnotize some chickens more than once. Those were the good old days when a parenting book would say “Keeping your children busy 101: chasing and hypnotizing chickens”

In retrospect I can tell you two things:
1: The chickens were terrified of us.
2: The chickens were terrified to such an extent that when we pressed them down unto the ground, they would just lie there because they were scared that they are going to die if they move.

So much for our awesome hypnotic powers. It was more like abusing innocent chickens for our own pleasure. Those poor chickens needed trauma debriefing after that afternoon.

But let me tell you one thing, if I ever have the opportunity to hypnotize a chicken again, I will so do it. But, I do not get so much pleasure from chasing a chicken anymore. So I will either catch an old chicken or get a kid to catch one with me, and then I will share the secret of hypnotizing a chicken with them. You know, carrying on the tradition. Then they can be amazed at my awesome powers, and they will look up to me and think of me as the chicken whisperer.

Until they grow up and realize what I have realized: those chickens weren’t hypnotised, they were scared shitless to such an extent that they feared for their lives.